Lincoln acting irrationally = ABE-RRATION

::via email (Thanks Zachary W.!!!!) ::

Dear Abraham Lincoln,

Good Sir,

What are the your most favored past times?

Kindly,
The Hohner Harmonica Company

“Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp, and playing my Hohner harmonica.” – Abraham Lincoln

worth noting that I’m indulging my lincoln fetish* via a quote found on reddit, which linked to this historically dubious article on huffington post. So don’t go using it in a testimony before the house judiciary committee or something ok?

*I hear that anything goes in 2009

Dear Emo-Abraham Lincoln,
Where have all the strawberry muffins gone?
-Yohizzy

Dear Yohizzy
MuffPEC (the cartel of muffin producing countries) has used their power and influence to drive up the cost of muffins on the freemarket. They claim that speculator activity will drive the price of muffins to 150 dollars a barrel. Although prices may stabilize as new baking technologies come online and the gumdrop kingdom subdues rebel groups that bombed major chocolate chip pipelines.
Best,
Emo Abe Lincoln

Dear Abraham Lincoln: What’s up with the 150 Billion dollar stimulus package?

Abraham Lincoln:

Well, first off this is a pretty blatant fucking sham. Since the checks won’t be sent out until JUNE(!!!!) this will have *no immediate* effect on the economy, hence making it an idiotic idea that panders to the childish notion that the government giving us money is always a good idea, no matter what. As a former president, I’m continually baffled by house democrats willingness to lick George W Bush’s taint. What’s more the Congressional Budge Office found that the most effective and fastest acting boost to the economy would be an increase in unemployment benefits and food stamp provisions. Those of course were cut out in an inanely hyped bit of “bipartisanship.”

Did Abe mention that business tax cuts also would cause states to lose at least $4 fucking billion in state revenue? The package contains no fiscal relief for states, not even to offset this loss. As a result, many states will have to enact deeper and more painful budget cuts, likely hitting areas from health care and education to aid to local governments. This will actually act as a drag on the economy.

And really, really, lets be honest. This is just a present for China. China will loan us the 150 billion and we’ll use it to buy crap that’s primarily produced in China. I like to close this with a quote from a blowhard someone actually elected.

“Many Americans believe that Washington is broken,” said House Minority Leader John A. Boehner (R-Ohio). “But I think this agreement, and I hope that this agreement, will show the American people that we can fix it.”

The stimulus package is *proof* that the government is broken and legislators can only agree on things that are stupid wastes of time. That’s what abe lincoln thinks!

A reader writes:
Dear Abram Lincoln,

There has been much hoo-ha in the media about an impending financial disaster, is it all hype?

Dear Reader,

shit bitches, liquidity is fuuuucked. Alan Wrinklespan be clownin on Eddie Gramliche’s subprime mortgage advice. C.D.O.’s and S.I.V.’s, R.M.B.S. and A.B.C.P. the weakest asset backed securities out there! Ben Bernanke a baby gangsta who gotsta get help from the big boys at the hedge.

Stay up,
‘Bramy5