A mind blowing piece by One Minute Physics.
If you’re not familiar with retrailers this is a very solid The Shining trailer redone as a romantic comedy.
“Wait a minute… I think that Lincoln vampire hunter thing wasn’t some sort of brilliant homebrew mashup.” That was actually my train of thought before finding out that a studio funded a film which clearly seems like a very weird vehicle for an elaborate practical joke. Then I found out that it’s a movie based on a book which is satire. Joke’s on me?!?
At 193 cm, I am still the tallest President in history. Do Not Trifle With Abe Motherfucking Lincoln!!
Abe Lincoln approves of the Facebook group
“Joe Biden deserves a swift kick in the nuts.” which no longer exists.
Dear Mr. President,
What is the jams?
Rutherford B. Peatmoss
The Jams is pretty much every goddamn motherfucking thing that The Hood Internet touches, that’s what. Look here:
And then The Hood Internet made this Wish Girl (Freekey Zekey vs DAT Politics) business which is better than GYOZA! (what, is that even possible? The Answer: YES!)
How powerful is the Hood Internet? Powerful enough to make fucking A. Bornstein change his mind about mashups (bc of this youtube!)
Sure A. Bornstein was wrong in the first place but he’s pretty stubborn. Presidential Props to The Hood Internet.
The Undead Corpse of Abraham Lincoln
Lincoln acting irrationally = ABE-RRATION
::via email (Thanks Zachary W.!!!!) ::
Dear Abraham Lincoln,
What are the your most favored past times?
The Hohner Harmonica Company
“Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp, and playing my Hohner harmonica.” – Abraham Lincoln
worth noting that I’m indulging my lincoln fetish* via a quote found on reddit, which linked to this historically dubious article on huffington post. So don’t go using it in a testimony before the house judiciary committee or something ok?
*I hear that anything goes in 2009
Dear Abraham Lincoln,
Good Sir, in light of your recent efforts seeking to speedily reunite the nation through a policy of generous reconciliation how would you propose that those from Ft. Sumpter to those at Appomattox shake their collective posteriors in good will?
Mortimer Q. Huffalump
Thank You good sir, for penning my residence in these times of great upheaval. As a humble prairie lawyer I present, herein and via the wonders of dropbox, a miracle concoction of auditory delights that would unite even the most ardent secessionist in jiggery with a whoospy lunged copperhead.
This spectacle of resounding fortitude is not recommended for those countryfolk with torpid innards, the Brackets, or beard crickets.
ps Stephen A. Douglas has a mulish bladder!
The White House in December refused to accept the Environmental Protection Agency’s conclusion that greenhouse gases are pollutants that must be controlled, telling agency officials that an e-mail message containing the document would not be opened, senior E.P.A. officials said last week.
So you might be sort of astounded by how fucking insane a strategy that is, but wait! there’s more!
This week, more than six months later, the E.P.A. is set to respond to that order by releasing a watered-down version of the original proposal that offers no conclusion. Instead, the document reviews the legal and economic issues presented by declaring greenhouse gases a pollutant.
Yeah, I had absolutely no idea that the EPA was this easy to roll over. I wonder what it would take to get a senior epa bureaucrat to drink their own piss? I mean you would think that a rational response to the White House refusing to open an email would be to plaster that information all over epa.gov and then initiate a lawsuit…
This part is great:
The Transportation Department made its own fuel-economy proposals public almost two months ago; they were based on the assumption that gasoline would range from $2.26 per gallon in 2016 to $2.51 per gallon in 2030
—Mecha Abe Lincoln
This entire article is full of keepers, check it out
:::: White House via NYTimes ::::
Dear Emo-Abraham Lincoln,
Where have all the strawberry muffins gone?
MuffPEC (the cartel of muffin producing countries) has used their power and influence to drive up the cost of muffins on the freemarket. They claim that speculator activity will drive the price of muffins to 150 dollars a barrel. Although prices may stabilize as new baking technologies come online and the gumdrop kingdom subdues rebel groups that bombed major chocolate chip pipelines.
Emo Abe Lincoln
Dear Abraham Lincoln: What’s up with the 150 Billion dollar stimulus package?
Well, first off this is a pretty blatant fucking sham. Since the checks won’t be sent out until JUNE(!!!!) this will have *no immediate* effect on the economy, hence making it an idiotic idea that panders to the childish notion that the government giving us money is always a good idea, no matter what. As a former president, I’m continually baffled by house democrats willingness to lick George W Bush’s taint. What’s more the Congressional Budge Office found that the most effective and fastest acting boost to the economy would be an increase in unemployment benefits and food stamp provisions. Those of course were cut out in an inanely hyped bit of “bipartisanship.”
Did Abe mention that business tax cuts also would cause states to lose at least $4 fucking billion in state revenue? The package contains no fiscal relief for states, not even to offset this loss. As a result, many states will have to enact deeper and more painful budget cuts, likely hitting areas from health care and education to aid to local governments. This will actually act as a drag on the economy.
And really, really, lets be honest. This is just a present for China. China will loan us the 150 billion and we’ll use it to buy crap that’s primarily produced in China. I like to close this with a quote from a blowhard someone actually elected.
“Many Americans believe that Washington is broken,” said House Minority Leader John A. Boehner (R-Ohio). “But I think this agreement, and I hope that this agreement, will show the American people that we can fix it.”
The stimulus package is *proof* that the government is broken and legislators can only agree on things that are stupid wastes of time. That’s what abe lincoln thinks!
A reader writes:
Dear Abram Lincoln,
There has been much hoo-ha in the media about an impending financial disaster, is it all hype?
shit bitches, liquidity is fuuuucked. Alan Wrinklespan be clownin on Eddie Gramliche’s subprime mortgage advice. C.D.O.’s and S.I.V.’s, R.M.B.S. and A.B.C.P. the weakest asset backed securities out there! Ben Bernanke a baby gangsta who gotsta get help from the big boys at the hedge.