Protip: Penis Eels

‘I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis,’ the 56-year-old from Honghu, Hubei province said.  ’I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis.  Rushing himself to hospital, the man underwent a three-hour operation to remove the six-inch eel which was dead by the time doctors found it.

:: via the Chronicle via Email(thx drewmin!) ::

I don’t really believe it but if you ever find yourself in this situation pinch at the base of the penis rather than clawing pointlessly at the tail of the eel.  NOT THAT I HAVE EVER HAD AN EEL IN MY DICK, that’s just my theory.

And speaking of slippery eels trying to crawl up your dick

FBI Taught Agents They Could ‘Bend or Suspend the Law’ 

 

A Brief Note on Political Isolation

I was at this party last night and there was a woman from Obama 2012 trying to recruit programmers.  When I asked her what she thought about the Obama administration increasing warrantless wiretaps over the Bush administration she said, “I don’t care, it’s irrelevant and I just don’t care.”   I’ve long felt politically isolated because I’m against things like the Obama administration backing a military coup against a democratically elected government in honduras.  Obviously, most people don’t give a shit about stuff like that, it’s too complicated and breaks too many internal narratives about freedom and peace and justice and crap like that.  I’m used to that and it doesn’t really bother me that much anymore.  When I hear someone who works for the campaign say that they think warrantless wiretaps are irrelevant…I get very dispirited.   I guess I’m just going to double down on my donations to the EFF.

Anti-Quote of the Day: Robert Heinlein

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
-Robert A. Heinlein

No.  This is just wrong and actually wrong on a lot of levels.  Let’s start with the easy part first.  Specialization is, in fact, for very smart people who want to develop specific, useful skills.  Like computers and the internet?  Specialization.  Like delicious food from all over the world?  Specialization.  Cars, Airplanes, or any form of transit?  Specialization.  Awesome  Hollywood movies with amazing special effects?  Specialization.  Basically, any non minimum wage job?  Specialization.   Heinlein lists 21 things a human should be good at, many of which are examples of specialized skills!  Gah!! How are you people not noticing this!?!?

About 1/3 of these skills are functionally useless.  I will never, ever need to know how to plan an invasion.  I’ve never built a wall because I’m not a stone mason.  Nor will I ever be.  I’ve been a vegetarian for 16 years, even in the unlikely event that I ate meat I would never need to butcher a hog.  Designing a good building takes about 10 years of serious and intense study to even begin to get it right.  Why would I ever need to pitch manure?  Etc, etc, etc.  Another 1/3 of these skills would be useful if they involved a hobby of your choice.  If they are optional though, there is no reason that you should be able to do them.  Conning a ship is good if you’re into sailing but the vast majority of people aren’t.  Ditto on sonnets, equations, and programming.   If Heinlein is insisting that I need to be able to write a sonnet to be a complete human being, that’s just kind of weird and nonsensical.

The remaining 1/3 of these are so broad that they are kind of gimmes.  Cooperation, comforting the dying, cooking.  Great, I’m all for those things.  However, if you think that conning a ship is comparable in importance to being able to analyze new problems, well, you’re probably not very good at analyzing new problems.

I’ve read about half of Robert Heinlein’s books and he was kind of a kook (as any great science fiction writer should be).  For instance, he seriously believed that the only people who should be allowed to vote were people who had done military service…which is insane.  Aside from being fascist, undermining the core principles of democracy, and presupposing a military industrial complex that could accomodate 300 million workers at some point, it’s a notion based on the idea that only someone who has worked in the military is competent enough to comprehend outcomes from complex democratic procedures.  Rifuckingdiculous.

Quick Thoughts: A Memo From the Department of Protips

- Hey, just go ahead and dump some salsa into your hummus.  Two cultures have been working for hundreds of years to make the ultimate dipping substance.  Get the best of both worlds, it’s amazing.  Believe me!

- Don’t assume heteronormativity, ie that everyone around you is 100% straight.   Cause you’re not a bigot right?  Obviously.  So you don’t want to sound like an agent of institutionalized homophobia when you’re talking?   Besides, everyone knows by now that homophobia is just people who are having a hard time coming out.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth

- It’s much better to fuck up every once in a while than be boring.   If possible, structure that fucking up so that you learn something new and valuable from it.

 

 

Man of Letters: Brideshead Revisited

As part of my ongoing project to Become a Man of Letters I recently completed Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh.  Completed is tricky sleight of hand because I got fed up with it languishing on my shelf half finished.  I decided to stop procrastinating and just declare that I wasn’t interested enough to complete it.  I sauntered through the first third, read the second in a single sitting and couldn’t bring myself to sag through the last.

First, Evelyn is also a mans name, at least in England.  That’s the first surprise here.  The second surprise is finding out that the entire book is mostly a winding justification for Waughs conversion to Catholicism.  My lifetime has seen the precipitous decline of the church and I don’t personally find suffering as a means towards the divine a very compelling topic.  Less compelling is the argument that Waugh puts forth.  I, like many, actually found that Catholicism made almost all the characters in the novel miserable.  From alcoholism to bullshit marriages to unrequited manlove to last minute quasi-redemptions, the novel was a slow burn shit show that, likely against the authors intention, illustrates the utter failings of Catholicism both as a spiritual path and a social force.

Brideshead Revisited is a book of astonishing prose with truly amazing observations on life but…not with any consistency.  They are buried in a haltingly paced story about the travails of an upperclass English Catholic family.  If you were a wine snob in the 50s I’m sure the pages of Brideshead Revisited are stuck together.  The books main conflict is the self destructive existential angst that comes from being insanely rich and how to resolve it with faith in Catholicism.  If the book had a twitter tag it would be #AristocracyProblems.  There are a lot of winding monologues about nothing in particular and I think the book could have been redeemed if Waugh had just cut out 100 pages.

Depending on where you’re at, this is either Waughs best book or his worst.    I also think I would be remiss to mention that I was sure this whole book was a treatise on the main character’s battle with repressed homosexuality.  Sebastian, the friend of the main character is gay (without it being directly stated), and the whole book seemed to me to be about their unrequited love.  I was super surprised that never really got resolved and was just kind of swept under the table.

Thanks to Jefferey for letting me borrow a copy on our adventure in Arizona. 

 

The Wide World of WTF: Baby Edition

First, “controversial” baby dynamic yoga

NEXT, determining if your babies are lucky.

 


A distinguished panel of judges (in my kitchen) determined that baby dynamic yoga is actually some fake babies and some real babies but overall a hoax, although perhaps something so foolish that we would prefer to live in a world where it has to be a hoax.  The panel also determined that dropping babies out of a building fucks up their brains enough so that when they grow up they think that dropping babies out a window is a good   idea.